creative writing workshop: critiques

what i liked about the fiction:

• she had a good idea and nice flow of story line.
• the words that she uses is simple and understandable.
• the language that she is understandable.
• there is a suspension in her fiction where she tries to deliver.
• good quality of writing which impressed me.

what i would her to improve on :

• certain words that she uses doesn't make sense in some of the sentences.she can use some other words other than that to replace it.
• she brings out new line of idea when she didn't even state the reason for the first incident.
• even when there is a suspension in her fiction but i couldn't get what she is trying to say because she break into another suspension while explaining the first suspension.

Creative Writing Workshop Prompt..

Morning breeze with the sun flashing to my face I could feel the peace environment that we have in the village. As usual I went to ayah’s grocery shop to help him with the work over there and to handle some of the nasty customers.

“Good morning ayah” I said to ayah as I enter the shop.

“Morning hekkila” ayah said with the rushing tone in his voice because he was busy checking the stocks that come in early morning.

Ayah is hard working man where I learned to be growing up like him and wants to expand this grocery when I have the money.

I walked straight to counter and get my bump seated on the counter chair dealing with the customers who bought thing from our shop. Suddenly the phone beside me rings and I answered the call.

“Hello, good morning. This is Ujong’s grocery shop” I great the person who called me.

“Hey hekkila, Naina here I got a happy news for you. You got place in one of the local university and same goes to me. Congrats!!” said one of my best friends that just checked the result for university intake.

“Wow, that’s nice and congrats. Thank you for informing me dear” I said to my friend with a very happy tone.

(c) KOKILAVAANI.2011.ALL RIGHT RESERVED

arguments between lovers..

“I never want to see you again!” she said to her boyfriend who was lying with a naked girl in the bed.

“I don’t know how she came to bed,” he said anxiously.

“How could that happen without your knowledge,” she said doubt fully.

“I was highly drunken yesterday baby,” he tries to convince her.

“Drunken till you don’t even know that you’re sleeping with a naked girl,” she said angrily for the reason that he gave.

“Please believe me honey!! I did nothing with her,” he said.

“I’m not stupid to believe your lies,” she kicks the door beside her.

She burst out tears while the girl who was naked put on her cloths and gets her way out of that room.

“I believed you so much and this is what you gave to me as the appreciation,” she said with tears.

“Honey, I didn’t mean to do it, I was totally drunken and don’t even know what I was doing,” he said with a pity tone.

She couldn’t hold her tears and continuing crying while he squad next beside her and convince her.

(C) KOKILAVAANI.2011.ALL RIGHT RESERVED